Our Growing Family

I typed a different title, then erased it, then wrote a different title, the erased it…..I couldn’t figure out the right words so I went with the above. I think I’ll use the 2 titles I wanted to use as topics…. This is our story. Every story is different. Everyone feels in different ways. This is us. This is me. Raw and Real.

*Full disclosure that this could trigger emotions for some.

And Then There Were 8

That’s the first title I typed. It’s past tense. I didn’t like it. Just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. Were means no longer.

I’ve talked a little on facebook and instagram about my hormone struggle over the last year. They discovered I have adenomyosis (I’ll spare you the details, just click the link if you’re curious). Anyway, the only cure is a hysterectomy. With my lung issues last year, I wasn’t emotionally ready to close that chapter of my life (even though I didn’t really want another baby). So, we had been managing symptoms with some hormone therapy and it seemed to be helping.

In January, with the start of the new insurance year (we’d met our out of pocket with all my lung junk), we decided to stop treatments and just deal with it until I was ready to say goodbye to my womb. I went off all meds, except for progesterone (because I still had some remaining at home).

The first week of February came and I was a little confused as to why my cycle hadn’t started so I called the doc. They figured with hormones going back to basically “all me” that I was just experiencing a longer cycle as I leveled back to “normal”. They told me to call back on Thursday and they would have me come in Friday for some blood work if I still hadn’t started……Well, I called. First, they had me take a pregnancy test at home….NEGATIVE! They had me come in on Friday, February 8. They fully suspected that because I went back to no hormone help that my body didn’t need the leftover progesterone that I took making my levels to high to trigger my cycle start. Labs were drawn and they sent me home.

1:30 the phone rings. It was the doctor.

Doc, “Your progesterone level is extremely high, that’s why your cycle hasn’t started”.
Me, “Okay, so what now?”
Doc, “Well, before we could give you something to trigger your cycle, we had to run an HCG level …”
I cut in, “but I had a negative test yesterday!”
Doc, “We have to run the HCG to make sure….Your HCG is 35…You’re pregnant!”
Me, “I’M WHAT?!?!?  HOW?!?!  ARE YOU SURE?!?!  I DON’T UNDERSTAND?!?!”
Doc, “We need you to do another HCG draw on Monday to make sure numbers are increasing as they should, but Congratulations!”

Y’all I hung up the phone and just sat and stared across the room at Creg (thankfully he was home). He only heard my side of the conversation, but he just kept saying “We’re having a baby?!?!” “You’re pregnant!”

It took the whole weekend for it to sink in and Monday morning I went to the lab, never expecting the phone call I would later receive. My numbers were increasing, but not at the rate they should have been. I had to go back on Wednesday or another draw. Same results, still increasing, but not as quickly as they would like. They scheduled an ultrasound for 2 weeks out. 2 weeks?!?! LONGEST 2 weeks of my life.

Long story short (I’ll go into some of those 2 week wait emotions in another post at a later date). That ultrasound showed that I had experienced a “missed miscarriage”. In other words, the baby stopped growing, but the placenta continued to grow and my body still thought I was pregnant (along with some of the typical symptoms).

I’ll share my thoughts on after a miscarriage another time. I’ll just say, it’s been ROUGH!

Now for that other title…..

And Now There ARE 8

This baby is not a past tense. This baby is real. This baby was alive, even if only for a few short weeks. Creg and I have 8 children between us. I have 5 biological children! Just because we don’t have this baby here on Earth, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist! We lost our child. I now have a totally different perspective on child loss. I have more thoughts on that, too, but I’ll share that in a different post. I could probably write a small book after the past few months.

It hit me hard today as I (and 4 children) went to parent teacher conferences for my 3 big kiddos. Julianne’s teacher asked their ages and then asked if we were done…..I didn’t even know how to answer that. I thought we were done….I didn’t expect to be pregnant…. One of Andrew’s teachers said that she had 4 children, too. I then shared, as I always do, that this is only 4 of the 7. Today, I wanted to say this is 4 of our 8!

What’s Next For Our Family?

We don’t know what God has planned for us. We are a mess of confusion and unanswered questions. What we know is that we now have 8 children and we love them all equally.