Today is Littles due date; however, she’s already been with us 4 weeks! We have loved all the extra snuggles and time with daddy! We’ve been blessed with being able to love her for the last month on the outside………To say having her here has been all sunshine and roses would be a complete lie. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and love having her here, but it has been a real struggle for me! To those moms out there that might relate to my story, you are not alone! Hang in there….His plan is greater than ours!
Third Trimester
The third trimester is a complete blur. The day before Thanksgiving (while visiting family in IL), our world was turned upside down. We were completely blindsided with some devastating news for our family. How I didn’t have Penelope 2 months early is a miracle in itself. We spent the remainder of 2019 in complete survival mode. We found out who are true friends are and let me just say…..it was eye opening for us! We also lost Creg’s grandmother in Arkansas right at Christmas time. Anyway, that’s a story for another time, but it really played a role in my mental health leading up to delivery.
This pregnancy was monitored much more closely than my others due to “advanced maternal age” (apparently 37 is OLD…thanks modern medicine for giving me a complex). I started 2 week visits at the start of the third trimester. All seemed to be going well except that my stomach was measuring small (has with all of my pregnancies). Basically, my uterus doesn’t expand the way it should, but my babies have all been about 7 pounds. They were keeping a close eye on it and planned for a growth ultrasound at my 36 week appointment just to be sure little miss was doing okay.
Keep reading for the full story leading up to her birth….
Christmas Break
Creg traveled to Arkansas to see his grandmother in the hospital a few days before Christmas and was there for her passing. He came back for Christmas with the family in IL followed by a trip back to Arkansas right after Christmas for her funeral. I didn’t go because 6+ hours in a car at 35/36 weeks pregnant seemed like a bad idea…..
While Creg traveled to Arkansas with his big girls, my 3 big kids traveled to Arizona for a week to see their dad. Dax decided to run a high fever so mom came to stay with me so I could quarantine myself as much as possible. Creg and I were looking forward to spending a few days with just Dax before baby when he returned from the funeral and having a date before Mom went back to IL, but I was feeling really “off”. Mom decided to stay through the weekend to help out and let me rest a bit so we could have that date!
Monday morning I called the doctor (and felt really dumb being that this was my 5th pregnancy) to say something just didn’t feel right. I didn’t know what was wrong. I’d been super tired, Littles had been more quiet than normal, but life was CRAZY. I had been beyond stressed, Dax had been sick, baby was running out of room. They had me come in for a NST (non stress test). She passed with flying colors! The doctor went ahead and did my GBS test “just in case” something was brewing and said she’d see me Thursday for my 36 week growth ultrasound and we’d chat about what January might look like. We left the office called Grammy (babysitting Dax) and went to lunch for our date so that she could get on the road to IL when we got back to the house……
A Gut Instinct?
When we got back from our lunch date, Mom decided she’d just go home in the morning instead of fighting rush hour traffic and driving at night…. Maybe it was a gut instinct or jut luck, but THANK GOODNESS SHE STAYED!!! Mom and I went to the gym to walk the treadmill and then we played a few games of Rumikub with her before heading to bed for the night.
Rude Awakening
I’d been asleep maybe two hours when I woke up thinking I had peed the bed! As I ran to the bathroom I realized that this was NOT pee!!! Instant panic! It’s too early! I’m not ready! I haven’t even packed a bag yet! This can’t be happening! But it was…..
Thankfully, mom had decided to stay and was able to be with Dax. I quickly threw some things in a bag and we headed to the hospital at 2AM on New Years Eve.
New Year’s Baby
I fully expected to have a New Year’s EVE baby, but once we were admitted and in the delivery room it got a little crazy! They had me gown up and prepare for some tests, blood work, etc… I was contracting, but nothing serious…. We quickly realized this was not going to be a normal delivery.
The fun was about to start… I was preterm! The hospital/doctors can’t “help” labor along before 39 weeks without a medical reason. Well, broken water at 36 weeks would be a medical reason, BUT I failed every amniotic fluid test they gave me! For whatever reason, every time they checked my fluid, it came back NEGATIVE for amniotic fluid!!! WHAT?!?! Y’all this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve had my water break at home 2 other times. I’m not crazy! This is NOT pee! My bathroom floor was flooded!
We spent the next 12 hours (yes, 12) going through tests, blood work, an ultra sound with the high risk doctors for them to finally face reality. My water was broken even if they couldn’t prove it for science. They finally had to go with common sense and face the facts that we were at risk for infection if they didn’t do something soon.
Since I was pre-term, Penelope was still super high and while I was dilating, she was not descending. Rather than start Pitocin, they gave me an oral tablet to help get things going more naturally. Being my 5th, they were a little nervous that once Pitocin started we’d have a baby faster than they wanted it to happen. No need to add extra stress to a preemie. Slow and steady was the goal, they told me. After several hours of contractions and pressure, they decided to go ahead a give me a minimal dose of Pitocin. At this point we were hoping for the first baby of the new year.
Creg and I passed the time playing cards and watching the New Year’s Eve festivities on TV…..oh and Creg trying to snap me into reality that YES, I HAD TO DO THIS!
Once Pitocin started, they were right, my body said oh I remember what I’m supposed to do….it was pretty fast and furious. I’ll spare all the details and skip to the scary traumatic part.
Don’t Push!!!!
As things were happening fairly quickly, the nurse was sticking by my bed. She checked me for dilation and said I was at a 7 and she was going to call the doc to make her way to the room. When she came back from calling the doc I said something feels different. She checked me again and said “DO NOT PUSH”. Penelope was ready and the doc was not here yet! She was so low that the monitor to track Penelope’s heart beat kept alarming. The nurse was having to manually hold the monitor to my stomach to find her. I was starting to panic. The nurse was having a horrible time finding the heartbeat. I knew something was wrong. The nurse kept saying “everything is fine, she’s just super low.” Her face said different. With each contraction I was resisting the urge to push, but then I had a contraction that felt different. I said something and the nurse just reminded me to keep my legs shut and do not push. I mentioned maybe we should call the resident doctor and she said the doc was on the way and everything was fine……
I think two more contractions passed. The nurse was still trying to find the heartbeat. The doctor wasn’t there yet. I was in a panic. Creg was starting to show he was panicking and he’s good at hiding his fears. I looked at Creg and said, “look down there, something isn’t right…” He looked….”THE HEAD IS OUT!” Now I’m really panicking. The nurse turned WHITE! Creg ran out of the room to find someone to help. He came back in with a team of medical staff behind him.
The doctor (that I’d never seen before) rushed in and finished delivering her. Unwrapped the cord that was wrapped twice around her neck and got her breathing and a little blood flowing before handing her to me. THEN, the doctor got gloved up and “scrubbed in” to finish delivering the placenta and get my bleeding under control because I started to hemorrhage.
Once everything was under control, I looked at the nurse that had been with me and told her she needed to work on her poker face!
4 weeks of Penelope
The first 2 weeks were a blur between staying a few days extra in the hospital and being readmitted for jaundice. The last 2 weeks, we have finally settled in and are starting to adjust to our new life with her.
She has grown so much in this first 4 weeks! She’s starting to open her eyes a little more and act like an actual newborn.
Postpartum Struggle
Here’s an Instagram post that touched on my emotional struggle at just a week postpartum.
It has been HARD! I’ve had 4 other children and felt instant attachment to them the second they were laid on my chest. It didn’t happen this time. The mom guilt that has come over me the last month for not feeling the same about her as I had the others has been awful! I’m finally feeling some connection, but really just want to go back in time and finish out her pregnancy the way I wanted it to go.
I’ve rationalized my feelings over the last month and done a lot of faking it or “playing the part”.
- I wasn’t ready to have her
- I wanted to enjoy the last bit of pregnancy
- The last month of 2019 was survival mode
- We were still in survival mode
- I had another maternity photo session planned
- Between a traumatic birth and jaundice, I didn’t get to hold her like I did the others
- Stress and anxiety
- lots of other things I’ve played over in my head…
If you are struggling to develop that strong bond with a new addition, just know you aren’t alone and it’s okay! It will come. The last week or so has been so much better. Penelope has been more alert and it has helped so much being able to interact with her. I was able to chat with a friend and get some of my emotions out of my head. We got some really good news for our family (remember that Thanksgiving devastation). Things are starting to look up.
If you know someone having a baby, I highly suggest NEWBORN NEST for the hospital!
Use code Elizabeth15 to save 15%
Thanks for sharing! The honesty is poignant and refreshing. Love to you and the family!