The Determined Teen

Hi! I’m Elizabeth…..the mom of a strong willed determined teen. The teen thing is new…the “determined” is definitely NOT! Navigating parenting has always been a challenge. Everyday life as that parent – the one struggling to guide a strong-willed child to Christ-like maturity – is not so amusing. Sometimes it’s crushing. Their defiance can be so relentless, it’s exhausting. So disrespectful, it’s infuriating. So reckless, it’s worrying. So entrenched, positive change seems hopeless.

The Strong Willed “CLUB”

I’ve been the mom sitting at the table FOR HOURS with a child that refuses to try one tiny bite of their dinner. You know the battle of wills. “You’re not getting up until you just try it. Try it and you can be excused….” Yeah……I learned really early on that kids can control 2 things. Intake: I cannot force my child to eat anything. Even if I shove it in their mouth, it’s going to either (A) be spit back at me or (B) puked all over my floor. Output: I cannot make my child pee or poop. They will hold it until the last possible second….or until they pee on the floor. And at times, that’s just because “I didn’t want to sit on the potty when you wanted me to.” I learned fairly quickly (yet not quickly enough), that those 2 things were beyond my control and fighting that battle would never end well.

I’ve been the mom that has physically had to pick up her tantrum throwing child that refuses to get in the car. The mom that everyone stares at and judges in the grocery store when you won’t buy the pop-tarts. If you can think of those entertaining drama situations…I’ve probably been there.

If you are part of this club. You are NOT alone. If you aren’t part of this club. Please don’t judge us. We are doing the best we can!

A VERY Cold Learning Experience

Now that my refusing to eat dinner child is a teenager, our battles look a little bit different…… let me give you a perfect example:

We were visiting a neighbor about a 30 minute walk away (yes this is important). Said teen is ready to go home before the rest of us. It’s bone chilling cold (wind chills in the negatives). Teen wants to walk home, in the dark, with just a hooded sweatshirt to keep warm. My response to my child was absolutely not. It’s not safe to be outside in these conditions for the time it would take you (about 30 minutes) to walk home. This of course cause a rebuttal and the determination kicked in with “I can walk” “I won’t get cold” “I can do it”. Yes, of course you can walk. I don’t doubt your ability to do that; however, it’s not safe or smart to do so in the dark and in these temperatures (especially with no coat/gloves/hat). The child, to no surprise, was not giving up….Determined!

Knowing that this argument was going to go nowhere…..I made a deal with him (keep reading…)! The neighbors were shocked to say the least. They made their opinion on my parenting very clear. Comments and opinions used to get to me (and sometimes on an off-day they still do). Thankfully, I’ve finally realize that I am the expert on my own child, and these comments only serve as evidence that they’ve never been in my shoes. It also serves as a reminder to me to be open-minded when tempted to judge the parenting of others.

So that deal I made……. “I’ll let you walk home, IF you can show me that you can stand outside for 30 minutes.” (ya know…the time it would take to walk home). Now before you all throw me under the bus for making my child stand outside in subzero temperatures, I knew said child couldn’t last that long, and I was keeping track of time just in case that determination was a little too strong for my comfort.

Guess what?!? The time this teenager lasted was 12 minutes. And determination kicked in at 8 minutes. So, 4 minutes was pure stubbornness. When my teen came back inside, of course, I had to have a little fun…..I’m dealing with a teenager. I gave a bit of a hard time with a reminder that, just maybe, mom knows a thing or two.

We went ahead and went on home so that I could discuss the situation fully. The teen wasn’t in trouble….I think the 12 minutes outside was punishment enough for being dishonoring of mom. (by the way….he warmed up just fine and was never in any harm)

The Takeaway

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:11

I guess you could say I use a little bit of tough love with my teen. Discipline is tough….it should be. The love part that follows is the beauty and where the growth happens.

When we got home, we discussed that I was actually proud of the determination. The mind was made up that “I can do this”! That’s an awesome quality to have! Let’s try and channel that energy to something a little more positive. I explained to this teen how the negative behavior can easily be turned into wonderful qualities!

While you were disobedient, you were trying very hard to be independent.

Yes, you can be emotional, but let’s think of it as expressive.

You’re not strong-willed; you’re powerful and determined.

I love this stage of life where I can talk to them on their level and see it click. This child can fully look back at the situation and laugh….”yep, mom that was kinda stupid of me, but I wanted to show I could do something you didn’t think I could”

My response, “I love you kiddo. You can do anything you set your heart and mind to. Just make sure that it’s safe, smart, and meaningful. You are going to to do great things with that determination! I’m super proud of you.”

We Got This!

So, to those of you that may encounter a strong willed child episode. We don’t need your advice or opinions. Please don’t judge us. Don’t label our children. They’re doing just fine, and they’re more than the moment you witnessed. These children are going places, just wait and see!